Driverless Tech - No

My April Fool’s Day was apparently lost in transit; it occurred yesterday. And it was unmistakably and unapologetically directed at me. In retrospect it was actually a beautiful prank that I somehow managed to pull off against myself. 

It all started innocently enough. It was lunchtime, I was between appointments, and I found myself in somewhat unfamiliar territory on the Surrey/ Delta border. As I drove up and down Scott Road mentally rejecting fast food joints as I passed, Superstore finally drew me in. All I really wanted was a salad, and maybe a deal on a few post-Easter Crème Eggs. Who can pass those up (especially at a discount)? The slight curve in the mall entrance redirected my car the requisite 90 degrees off Scott Road and I slowly drove straight in from there, carefully crossing two or three largely empty parking aisles before exiting the car and walking more or less straight to the front entrance stairs. Upon selection and payment of my lunch items I left the store. Everything was totally normal to this point.

One walk up the drive aisle seemingly transported me into a parallel dimension, one in which my car did not exist. Most likely everyone’s lost their car in a parking lot at least once in their life. My reaction upon registering that my car was gone I returned to the store by intentionally strolling down the further away aisle in which I knew I hadn’t parked, to ensure I’d looked “everywhere”. Strangely enough, at this stage I still wasn’t overly panicked. However, I can’t say that “Gone in 60 Seconds” didn’t flash across the insides of my eyelids in bright neon letters for a micro-second.

To top things off, that was the moment it started to rain.

Two more needless circuits of the parking aisles surrounding the zone in question indicated without much doubt that my car was indeed residing elsewhere. I can’t say I’ve never had a car stolen; I have, but it’s been about 15 years now of continuous auto possession.

I learned today that one can’t really predict one’s train of thoughts in such a state of anxiety. Did I simply forget (in the extreme) where I parked? There was after all a below-store covered parking area. Why wouldn’t I have parked undercover knowing rainfall was imminent this afternoon? Did I leave my phone in the car? No, it’s in my jacket pocket (whew!). Why didn’t I at least wear a jacket with a hood today? What about my afternoon appointment? I’m going to have to cancel now. How long is it going to take me to get home on the bus? And what will I do when I get home anyway? My laptop is in the car. So is my camera with all of this morning’s site data. I guess this means I have to phone the police and report that my car is missing. Probably stolen; it certainly wasn’t towed away due to illegal parking. Do I even remember my licence plate number? I’ve had so many different ones over the years.

But the overwhelming thought of all was that I’d forgotten to visit the restroom prior to leaving the store. Also a good excuse for a time-out in order to think. A phone call to file a police report probably would not be a short process. Better to be prepared.

Outside once again, standing on asphalt I still could not accept I’d been the victim of auto theft. And again, strangely enough, I wasn’t super-panicked, but mild unease was beginning to creep in. I think perhaps deep in my core I knew I must have done, or not done, something to cause the disappearance. But seriously, how long could I postpone he dreaded phone call to the police? Fortunately I had no tight deadlines this afternoon. That’s probably why, in the end, I did remain calm and persisted in my investigation.

I decided to retrace the route my car had taken upon exiting Scott Road. I walked up another car-park aisle to view the vehicular entrance off Scott Road, located beside a gas bar. What I noticed first was a large pick-up truck slowly manoeuvring around a small car awkwardly placed midway between parking stalls and the gas pumps. A black car; a black Mazda 3; a black Mazda 3 retro-fitted with MazdaSpeed3 rims.

My Mazda!

I wish I could have seen the look on my face! A bigger April Fool’s gag I really could not imagine. Again, one can’t really predict one’s train of thoughts in such a state of anxiety. If my car had indeed been stolen why would it be abandoned only a few hundred meters away? Was it damaged? Was the perpetrator still here? Was he trying to get gas? Was he trying to steal gas? Should I approach my vehicle? Should I call for reinforcements?

There was a tiny service booth for the gas attendant, so before approaching my car I decided to ask him if he’d seen anything suspicious. Did he see anyone move my car to that location? No, he hadn’t noticed my car at all until just now as I asked my questions. I thanked him for his information and checked my pocket to ensure I still had the key. A quick general perusal indicated no one was in my car. It was in a low spot of pavement, meaning it wouldn’t potentially move far upon application of my first test; a gentle push. It rolled a few inches. The door was locked. The hand brake was not engaged.

Yes, that’s correct; not engaged.

I don’t think I have ever been so glad and told so few people about something as outlandishly irresponsible as forgetting to set a parking brake on a car. I ALWAYS set the parking brake on cars fitted with a manually-shifted transmission. It’s only on automatics that I often rely on “P” for park on flat surfaces without the added safety of the E-brake.

Once again, one can’t really predict one’s train of thoughts in such a state of anxiety. Can you imagine what it must have looked like to see an unpiloted Mazda 3 slowly rolling backwards down the gentle incline of the parking lot, retracing its entry path? Did it encounter traffic entering Superstore’s lot as it driverlessly reversed? Did drivers honk as my ghost car invaded their territory? The gas bar attendant reportedly saw and heard nothing to distract him from his duty, so it appears that as unimaginable as it sounds, my car unofficially transitioned into a driverless car for at least a few moments. Even more unimaginable is that no damage was done either to my car, other cars or to private property (especially the gas pumps!). And of course, no injuries were incurred!

I quickly unlocked my car door and made a quick exit, metaphorically with my tail between my legs.